Does this essay flow?
Parents are the best teachers when it comes to their children’s careers. For generations, our parents have been taught to go straight to college after high school, in hopes of landing the perfect job. That has been the so called “American Dream” for far too long, and parents are implementing that same mentality in their children’s lives. Attending college is the smart choice; however parents should show their children that there is more to life than having the perfect job, and my parents did an immaculate job showing me. They have constantly lectured me on the importance of becoming a successful entrepreneur, and one day establishing my own businesses. The number one lesson they taught me is that I could never become wealthy as an employee. I truly appreciated the fact that I was given a different outlook on the real world because I have taken their guidance and used it to my advantage. Just by knowing this information, I have been able to start a business in e-commerce, invest in the stock market, and even receive my real estate license. Of all the industries that I have been introduced too, I believe that real estate has interested me the most.
When I was about sixteen years old, my parents introduced me to the business of real estate sales. They would always take me to local real estate seminars and investment clubs hosted by some of the most renowned real estate entrepreneurs in the country, such as Donald Trump and Hilary “Zig” Ziglar. At that time, it was hard for me to appreciate the opportunity to even be allowed in theses events, but as I got older I understood why my parents took me with them. They just wanted me to be in the environment of other successful entrepreneurs. After understanding their intentions, I began to enjoy the seminars. From that moment on, I dressed professionally and carried a notebook to every seminar. I learned a lot from attending the real estate investor meetings, and I was eager to share in their success. The first job they gave me was to be their assistant. I became responsible for various tasks such as; confirming appointments with clients, and reviewing and completing listing, purchase, and lease contracts. Furthermore, I assisted with lead generating via direct mail, door to door advertising, along with online marketing using Top Producer (a real time lead generating and contact management database), Facebook and MySpace. Once I turned eighteen, I was eligible to become a licensed real estate agent, so in the summer of 2007, I enrolled at the Long and Foster Institute. I successfully completed the course, and received my real estate license. Since becoming licensed, I affiliated with Keller Williams Realty. At the end of the day, everything I learned from my parents benefited me as I got older. As an alternative of being an employee for the rest of my life, I have what it takes to establish my own businesses and provide a bright future for my family.
If not, how can I improve it? What can the second paragraph be about
It has to be 250- 500 words… I cant really express my thought in such a short paper.
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very good
Looks great to me
Does this shit have to be in MLA format? If so you need to get rid of all personal pronouns like I and our but my guess is that it isn’t mla.
That flows very well.
Just one thing though this sentence is a little long: “Attending college is the smart choice; however parents should show their children that there is more to life than having the perfect job, and my parents did an immaculate job showing me.”
As for the second paragraph, it depends on what you’re writing the essay about. Such as whether your topic is about your family or work.
Sounds interesting so far – keep up the great work.
Your general subject is fine, but the way you write not so much.
The way you have laid out your essay is very messy. You need to gather your thoughts before putting pen to paper. For instance, starting with your first sentence- it begins general and third person. Then, suddenly, you change to first.You need a transition sentence here. “That has been the so called “American Dream” for far too long, and parents are implementing that same mentality in their children’s lives.”- this makes it seem like you don’t agree with the concept of the American Dream because you say its been called that for “far too long”. If you dont agree with it, ok, but add something after this sentence to sort of explain your thoughts or just delete the for far too long part. “Of all the industries that I have been introduced too, I believe that real estate has interested me the most.”- use to instead of too in this sentence. Other things like this I have found throughout your passage, and a little re reading and correcting won’t hurt.
You ask what you could put in your second paragraph- the paragraph you originally have is way too long to be just one.( see what i mean about how your layout is messy?) Before you write,plan out your five paragraphs or more in which you first think of your introduction and thesis statement, then your first topic (maybe what your parents did when you were young) your second topic (maybe how you began to be successful) your third topic (maybe how you credit your success to your parent’s and how you appreciate it) and then last but not least your conclusion. You can add more paragraphs to your body, but before you start writing, think. Good luck!